Tiger Woods Takes The Times To Task For Its Masters Disaster (Satire)

The New York Times has conceded that the all-male Augusta National Golf Club has a constitutional right to bar women from membership. Still, women have called on Tiger Woods to use his constitutional right to boycott this year’s Masters golf tournament as a way of pressuring the club. “A tournament without Mr. Woods would send a powerful message that discrimination isn’t good for the golfing business,” said The Times in a recent editorial.

In a surprise development. Mr. Woods, or Tiger, as he is more often called, has agreed to the boycott. Widely acknowledged as the greatest golfer in the game, Woods announced at a recent press conference that he would happily sit out this year’s tournament as long as The Times made a similar set of sacrifices to make the world a better place.

First, he asked that The Times remove all coverage of the National Football League from its sports pages. “We all know African-Americans are underrepresented as coaches in the NFL. If The Timesstopped covering the NFL, it would send an important signal to the NFL that such discrimination is bad for the football business.”

In addition, Woods asked The Times to discontinue all reporting of financial statistics in its business section, including closing stock prices on the New York Stock Exchange and the Nasdaq.

“Hellllooooo?” Woods asked rhetorically. “Hasn’t The Times noticed that there have been a few accounting irregularities among some major American corporations? But it keeps covering business news as if nothing has happened. By eliminating end-of-the-day stock quotes, The Times has a chance to really have an impact on the accounting profession and corporate governance.”

Woods conceded that The Times has a constitutional right to print whatever it wants. “But,” he pointed out, “they’re also free to use the power of the press to encourage good behavior whenever possible.”

Finally, Woods asked that all employees at The Times start brown-bagging for lunch and dinner rather than patronizing any restaurants or delis in the New York City area. “Everyone knows New York waiters and waitresses have a reputation for being rude and inconsiderate, particularly to tourists. The Times has an opportunity to really improve the civility of the city,” he said.

The Times responded with a blistering editorial. “Mr. Woods,” The Times harrumphed, “has gone too far. He fails to understand the responsibilities and rights that go with being the paper of record. It’s one thing to knock a little ball into a little hole. We print all the news that’s fit to print. Besides,” The Times concluded, “if we decided to boycott everyone we disagreed with, the world would be a very lonely place.”

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